In my last post, I said I was going to settle for washing and putting leave-in in my hair, and calling it a day. I actually started doing that, and my waves have been very defined, especially by the second day. Who knew basically giving up on the fancy shit would work?

My skincare still isn’t going that well. I wash, put serum, and moisturize, but my face still breaks out, is splotchy, and gives off teen vibes. So that sucks. I’m sure the secret to decent skin will hit me when I’m 40, so I guess I’ll have to wait a few more years.

For my birthday, my husband gifted me a secondhand purple Dooney & Bourke bag, meanwhile, my mom thrifted me a Dagne Dover Allyn tote (!!!)! I was stunned by both bags! I still need to get my ass into gear and make a “What’s in my bag” post. Lately, my two go-to bags are my B. Makowsky and mini Dooney & Bourke!

I found a leopard print shoulder bag by Dana Buchman on Poshmark, but someone snatched it up before I could, so the hunt continues.

MENTAL HEALTH

My mind seems to be slipping into a pit of depression again, despite my best efforts to fight it. I’ve been taking Lexapro, and it was helping at first, but my doctor has me on the lowest dose, so I feel like I’m getting used to it?? If that’s a thing. School ends in a week, so I’ll have the summer to get my shit together and hopefully do better (mentally) in the fall semester.

I’m also still fighting to curb my excessive social media use in the evening. What’s been helping is crocheting while watching YouTube or a movie. I wish I had stopped seeing so many creative people on TikTok; then I wouldn’t feel inspired to keep scrolling for more. Yuck. I hate the whole algorithm thing. I feel like a drone.

HOBBIES

I started crocheting sunburst granny squares to make a throw blanket for my sofa, but realized I was using Frozen colors. I’m not too keen on a Disney sofa, so I decided to continue with the blanket, and I’ll give it to my daughter once it’s done. My son requested a black-and-rainbow blanket, so I’ll make that once I’m finished with this one.

For my sewing, I haven’t started yet, but I’m getting there. I’m buying a cord, pedal, and needles for it, and I already have fabric and thread. I have some patterns I got from Etsy as well. I can feel that as soon as I start, I’m not going to want to stop. I’m beyond excited.

BODY

I know how to be fat, because I’ve been fat for a very long time. Most of my life. I’m almost comfortable being fat, not really, maybe familiar, I guess. I know the tricks of the trade, so to speak.

Today, in the shower, I was trying to imagine what life will look like after my bariatric surgery (if I still qualify, apparently I’ve gained a few pounds), like what will I wear to the public pool next summer? I’m newly 32, but I’m feeling more like I’m 15. I’m pre-insecure for my post-surgery self. I’ve never been a bikini girl, not that I couldn’t have been, I just was never comfortable enough to be. I think forward to if post-surgery me will be a bikini wearer next year, but I can’t imagine she will be. I’m pre-insecure about the loose skin I’ll probably have, how my in-laws might look at me differently once I’m thinner, how I might feel weird or cold in my new form. Hopefully not.

Other thoughts began swarming my head like bees. What if I don’t lose any weight at all? What if I lose too much and I don’t have an ass anymore? What if I lose all my hair and it takes forever to come back?

In the past, there was a 12-year-old me who did not give a fuck. And if she did, it was for a solid 5 seconds before she moved on, because she didn’t care what people thought of her; she just did what she liked, looked however she liked, made her own clothes, and was too busy daydreaming to notice anybody’s funny looks. I wish I could talk to her and ask her for her secret, because I can’t remember it for the life of me.

PARENTING

My kids are still waking up and crying in the middle of the night. They’re only 2 and 3, so my husband, the kids, and I have been playing musical beds. Sometimes we’re all piled up on one bed, sometimes we’re all spread out. It just depends on the vibes, I suppose. I know they won’t be 30 and still trying to sleep in my bed, but it’s definitely tough in the meantime. Actually, the sharing the bed part isn’t hard, the being woken up 50 times part is.

GOALS

I’ve accomplished and/or nearly accomplished some goals from my previous post back in December. So, some of the next goals I’d like to go after are:

• Start decorating my apartment. I have my eye on a blue sofa I’m saving for, and will hopefully have by the end of July.
• Spend less time on TikTok in the evenings. Replace doomscrolling with creating.
• Start and keep a weekly planner. I bought some printables on Etsy, now I just need to have them printed at Staples.
• Take more pictures of everything. I feel like I have more screenshots of memes than photos in my phone. Ugh. I want memories, not memes.
• Drink more water!! Apparently, I went 2 weeks without drinking more than a sip of water a day, but drinking plenty of coffee and Monster.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I want to try to post more often so I’m not having to make long ass posts. I need to get back to crocheting now, otherwise I’ll procrastinate!

x, Zabe.